Craving Seafood ?

Let us REJOICE. It is most assuredly a joyous day. JAMES TINGEY IS ANOTHER YEAR OLDER. Mike Tingey and Churck Norris are also celebrating their half birthday today. Robert's birthday is steadily approaching. And, I have my hands on a rough draft of a forthcoming press release:

Fish Swims Home

WASHINGTON, D.C - Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne today announced the removal of the elusive Southern Polka-Dotted Color Coordinated Fish from the list of threatened and endangered species at a ceremony at the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C. After nearly disappearing for the summer, the Southern Polka-Dotted Color-Coordinated Fish hopes to be flourishing in the Beehive State soon/hitting up WC Country Club, and no longer needs the protection of the Endangered Species Act.

"Today I am proud to announce: the SPDCC Fish will soon return," said Secretary Kempthorne. "In 1999 Utah became home to one Southern Polka-Dotted Color-Coordinated Fish. Today, after a summer of conservation effort, thanks to a touching blog entry that included scriptural references on July 14 entitled "Gone Fishing" by Stephanie and Bonnie, and in honor of James Tingey’s birthday, the SPDCC Fish is on it’s way home soon. Based on its dramatic recovery, it is my pleasure to announce the Department of the Interior's decision to remove the SPDCC from the Endangered Species List."

"After years of careful study, public comment and planning, the Department of the Interior and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service are confident in the future security of the SPDCC Fish," Kempthorne said. "From this point forward, we will work to ensure that the fish never again needs the protection of the Endangered Species Act."

How I have missed you all...you have NO idea. It's been an "interesting" summer. Speculation has it that I have spent my summer doing the following:

1) I was filiming a spin-off of Flavor of Love/Rock of Love called Serenade of Love starring Michael Bolton. I received a "cool" nickname like Southern Belle or Palmetto State Playa or Diva Phish. At the end of each show if Michael wanted you to stay he would sing a ballad and ask you if you would accept a lock of his hair...tune in this fall

2)I was filming the spin-off "Phresh Princess of Irmo,SC" Production was at a stand still because casting was unable to fill the role of a 3rd Aunt Viv. The theme song was going to be off the chain.
The twist of the show was that we were going to make the butler white

3)I was in Beijing as Michael Phelps towel girl/goggle handler. Rumor has it I was also the real "Artichect" of the "Redeem Team." Everyone knows that isn't true because JarBear would've played for the team had I designed it, and it would've been more like Coach J rather than Coach K... What is allegedly true is the Gasol brothers asked if I wanted to touch their silver medals but I was all "thanks but no thanks" only I said it in Chinese to really drive my point home. ( I did give the hairy Gasol Steph's phone number) Manu started to approach me but his medal looked more like he was wearing a bronze coin candy wrapper with chocolate inside on a string.

4)I was on the new MTV show Exiled. Where brats are sent to dramatic, far away, third world places to appreciate what they have/rough it. I was sent to exotic New Jersey. The culture of crazy accents, abrasiveness, overdose of fake tanning, and uncalled for hostility really made me realize just how I great I have it back home. I was just grateful they didn't send me to Boston.

5)Everyone knows I like to nanny it up. When CBS approached me to film my own version of "Supernanny"- "Superfly Nanny" I had to jump at the chance. Especially in that the twist was that I would nanny in Alaska for Sarah Palin's family while she is on the campaign trail. Moose hunting is NOT as easy as she makes it look. My bumper sticker does in fact read "I'm a hockey nanny"

6)I was asked to manage Gary Coleman's career/get it back on track. I was fired for all the negative attention he's gotten in the press lately with the bowling alley incident. I'm thankful that Bonnie's delicious GC reconciliation brownies would not have to be incarceration brownies that would have to be enjoyed on the other side of a glass window.

7)I have also heard an array of rumors/reasons for my absence: I'm Catholic/Jewish/Lutheran/ a Quaker now and my family kicked me out, (For future reference my fam would only kick me out if I was JW- just kidding) I'm a nun, I'm engaged, I'm pregnant and not married, I'm married and pregnant, I went goth, I took a vow of silence over the summer, I was hurt when I wasn't selected to be apart of VH1's celebreality to appear on I want to work for Diddy,I've been on jury duty for a high profile case, I'm ashamed to admit I'm an intern for the Tyra Banks show, I've been entering Guitar Hero/Rock Bank contests in malls across the country, I was trying to get Irmo, S.C. it's own NBA team after Seattle backed out of the deal, I was so devasated the Spurs didn't make it to the Finals that I moved to San Antonio to find myself, I'm at Sam Cassell's summer training camp, James broke up with me, I needed solitude while writing the screenplay to Tyler Perry's diary of a mad white woman, I'm opening up pennycades across the nation to try to put all nickelcades out of business, I'm in rehab, I'm in jail, I'm getting ready for auditions for So you think you can dance and ABDC, I'm engaged to a 70 year old man... not that there is anything wrong with that, but we all know I like younger men/a younger man: (JAMES)

Bottom line, I miss you ALL more than words can say. I will be so happy/delighted/thrilled/overcome when I do get to see you all again. Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Birthday James!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish we could celebrate/renew our vows at the Hollywood Connection tonight. (I hope you are working on the Playlist: Slow Jamz 2)

p.s.- Bon I tried so hard to blog on your birthday but my internet failed me :(

(Does anyone know why JarBear wasn't chosen to be on Dancing with the Stars? Tom Brady sure blew his chance)

(R.I.P to all the great people we have lost this summer, Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes, Estelle Getty...just to name a few)